jarfulofpickles

Goodbye.

2009-08-27T17:48:00.002+08:00

the view's much better from
the top of the ferris wheel,
i should have known when my feet finally touched the ground
i would not remember
the coming down.

tired hearts need a place to recuperate. and this is not it.

maybe i'll write openly again one day, i don't know. for now i'm going to hop somewhere else, and hopefully i'll be happier there.

much love ♥♥♥,
Carrie.

p/s: friends, if you want, give me a nudge about the new place.

A secret place.

2009-08-23T21:23:00.003+08:00

you know sometimes i don't know why i bother even trying to keep up this blog anymore.

it's not like i have readers who are not my friends or relatives, and these people are the ones i communicate with on a day-to-day if not at least month-to-month basis.

maybe if i had more to say on things like fashion or food... because i realise i don't like to display my thoughts and feelings for all to see very much, and my blog started out as an outlet for me to express myself. maybe it's time to go back to my diary writing days. then again, i've been reading really interesting literature lately, about the inadequacy of language and lexicon to completely and accurately convey human thought... and it has really gotten to me.

basically now i don't see a point in writing at all.

i would make this a picture blog but my normal days here are so boring and predictable that there is nothing to take pictures of! that's one of the reasons why i stopped the all-year-round project... maybe if i had a more substantial, and interesting subject matter, i'll actually find a point in blogging again.

i could blog about being in a Long Distance Relationship, but frankly there's only so many times i can whine and moan and groan about being apart from my boyfriend without making myself seem like a pathetic loser.

maybe an idea will come to me tonight.

2009-08-18T20:48:00.001+08:00

i live in Singapura,
it's not perfect living
but at least it's interesting.

i suddenly miss my sunshiny home very much.

2009-08-17T17:06:00.000+08:00

germy's gone home. ):

all that's left of him in this aprtment now are the "i love you" post its he stuck on the ceiling above my bed.

hello good morning how'd you do.

2009-08-01T12:26:00.001+08:00

bored.

thursday, QUICK.

What makes your rising sun so new.

2009-07-28T20:13:00.002+08:00

i have a feeling that this semester is going to be a tough one for me.

for starters, i can now understand why theorists and philosophers and people of the like go insane or suffer some sort of mental collapse sooner or later.

example my philosophy lecturer used this afternoon on what we will be studying in Introduction to Theory this semester:

when you're angry, you feel like you want to punch the person who made you feel angry. and your brain understands the motivation of your future action (i.e you want to punch him/her). the relationship between brain and action is through essentially, your physical body. which basically represents what we will be studying... (i kind of zoned out because i was just like, WHAT...?!) but what is most crucial in this subject however, is our study of how an individual is able to view himself as a seperate object altogether, and ask questions like "yes i know i'm angry, and why i'm angry. but why do i even feel anger as an emotion?) and how self reflection then becomes the law that governs behaviour, instead of conventionally having laws restrict/encourage certain behaviour from the outside.

and mind, my readings, that i just looked through, has alot of big words that i've never seen before in my entire life. did you know that telos means an end/a purpose? no? neither did i, until i flipped the dictionary because the entire sentence that the word appeared in did not make sense at all to me.

good luck to me in this. because i really feel like i'm in over my head at the moment.

the last thing on my mind.

2009-07-28T06:25:00.002+08:00

so in a completely baffling turn of events, guess what i discovered this morning, finally awake after the horrendous all-nighter on the plane.

i left my ipod at home in sunshiny sg.

my ipod. i can't believe it. i NEVER forget my ipod. i'll forget to bring my wallet out sometimes, but i never forget my ipod.

o.O

On memory bliss.

2009-07-23T01:04:00.003+08:00

gone with gentle winds
i float away
on memory bliss.

shading my eyes and
touching green pastures
with my fingertips.

the sweet smells of earth
intoxicate
and i float
further away.

Midnight bootle, drift me off into candlelight.

2009-07-21T01:27:00.002+08:00

last birthday present of the year is a pretty bead bracelet with a mini heart "return to tiffany" tag from the heaven of little turquoise boxes and their silky white ribbons. from al and bestie meg. thanks you two. i love it.

and tomorrow i'm finally meeting a friend i haven't seen since my birthday last year. this just proves to me that i am not wrong in what i have believed all along: you have to have faith in your friends, and your friendships. surely a friendship worth keeping would be able to survive a few bumps and the odd silences.

sigh. melbourne bound, come sunday night. i'm not looking forward to it in many ways, the usual ways of wanting to remain sheltered in my cushy nest here at home. and yet, i can't wait for this semester to start. It's the beginning of the end. it may seem shortsighted, considering that i am still keeping my life after this semester ends wide open, but! i comfort myself with the fact that my (real life) myopia hinders me from looking too far into the future (haha). so i shall only remain hopeful, and keep faith in my Lord while i take one step at a time.

===

Midnight bottle
take me calmly through my memories
and everything will come back to me.

Midnight bottle
make it real
what feels like make believe.

===

maybe if i were a little less selfish, i wouldn't have reminded you of your unintentional slip. casually agree with you, and try to sound excited, because you were happy. then kiss you over the phone and ensure that you only have yet another goodnight full of love from me, at the end of your long gray days at work. send you off to peaceful slumber, filled with sweet dreams, to give you strength for what will come tomorrow.

maybe. i know i could have, if i was the perfect girlfriend i so badly want to be for you.

and i wasn't.

Midnight bottle
take time away
from where we are.

The mortarboard hat and blue gown.

2009-07-15T19:56:00.004+08:00

facebook is teeming with pictures of my friends from various tertiary institutions convocating.

the wide grins. the tacky graduation bears. bouquets of flowers for the graduating girls (what do boys get, i wonder). the navy blue gowns, with their hoods in a rainbow of colours that represent their respective schools. hats suspended in mid-air after the graduation ceremony.

and i look on, tinges of envy nudging this place in the middle of my chest every time i see yet another photo of another friend graduating, because i will only get there six months later. it's not that i am not happy for them, because i am. and perhaps knowing that my own convocation is also fast approaching in the very near future, has made me more nostalgic about the times i was still in Singapore's education system.

this is the culmulation of the last fifteen years of pushing through mountains of homework, nervewrecking periods of results waiting, and wondering if i'll EVER get there.

and now there is suddenly here, and i'm at a loss.

my previous interim periods were spent enjoying my life as a teenager, because there are only so many years of those that one is blessed with. but it has been three years since i've been a teenager, and i still feel like one deep down inside. i am unable to reconcile myself with the fact that i should have some sort of life plan already planned out, because i am still experiencing the repressed longings of youthful wanderlust.

the romanticism of being young, and carefree. travelling to places and experiencing life without obligations to be at your desk at 9 in the morning. i never got to do any of that, and perhaps never will.

this will probably be something i will wistfully recall when i'm old and gray. but such is life. and maybe my wanderlust may not disappear. but time has such a way with things, so it should gradually fade away into nothing more than a memory that i will fondly recall, fifty years down the road while i bounce my grandchildren on my knee.

Carrie turns 22.

2009-07-13T15:43:00.005+08:00

okay, extremely long post today, with lots of pictures. birthday celebration ones aren't in my hands yet, cos' mom wants to painstakingly develop them one by one from her tiny photo machine. lol. so this post will be mainly about birthday haul this year (:

first up, mom and dad's present for me this year...

say hello to Prada!

mom brought the cash, dad provided it. i was in paragon's Prada boutique like a dog; wagging my tail and salivating at all the gorgeous bags and THINGS on display. particularly liked this pair of Prada flats, but their filmsiness put me off. i do not want my flats to have holes in them, eventually formed or not.

this bag caught my eye in spite of the luminousity of its more colourful siblings. and mom actually laughed at the way i gravitated/floated towards it. it looked dark navy in the boutique, but i have since found out that it would look purple under strong sunlight, and navy/black indoors, depending on the indoor lights. uber cool, and the leather is amazingggg. i am usually not inclined towards cracked leather bags, but this one is cracked to just the right degree.

next up, outing with germy one typical friday night for dinner. we went for katong laksa at holland v. FINALLY! after our dinner we had a walk around and came across a shop selling all sorts of odds and ends, and this caught my eye...

(: pretty right. i've always wanted one of these, but can never seem to find one that's not ten dollars. i wouldn't pay ten dollars for something like this. this one was only $2.50! (: so germy plucked one off the rack and bought it for me.

because my birthday fell on a thursday, a work day, germy didn't have time to meet up with me. but my boy took managed to take leave for the 8th, 9th and 10th in the end. (: so counting yesterday, i had five whole days bumming and eating with my boyfriend. because he took three days to be with me, my birthday celebrations with him were distributed in the space of three days.

i've always wanted to try The White Rabbit after reading some reviews about it online, but germy hasn't even mentioned it in passing after i strongly hinted that we should go try it couple of months ago. BUT! on the night of the 8th, birthday date with boyfriend night, he drove us to...

THE WHITE RABBIT! i was so happy i was bouncing in the car!

nicely set up table. ambience was awfully romantic. i could just imagine the place packed with couples on Valenine's. lovely lovely setting for guys who intend to pop the question. The White Rabbit was a chapel, converted into the eatery that it is today. the owner preserved it's old glass windows and architecture... it's beautiful, to say the least.

germy smirking. because i was so happy, he knew he scored major brownie points in Things That a Boyfriend Should Do.

picture of our food. i had the Fried Duck Confit, and germy the Scallop pasta or something. and a side of Mac and Cheese to share. wasn't too hot about the mac and cheese. too gourmet for my liking. but the food was delicious.

on the 9th itself, i got up to germy knocking on my door with a beautiful bouquet of red roses. (: the colour of the wrapping particularly touched me... because on my sister's birthday germy and i had gotten her a bouquet of sunflowers and the florist had wrapped it in red and silver paper, and i had commented in passing, whilst germy was driving, that the bouquet would look so much prettier if the wrapping was gold and red instead.

my boyfriend noticed. (: and actually remembered.

his present for me this year was a Coach keychain. lilac daisies and a purple gem thing on one of the charms dangling off a ring. pretty... i like. (:

sister's boyfriend had his mom make a pearl and pink crystal bracelet. i don't know how his mom did it, but somehow she managed to guess what a 22 year old girl would like. kudos to weiliang (for knowing what i like), and his mom (for knowing how to make it)!

also, baby blue DS lite from my sis! she got this for me after i got her a Tiffany & Co. charm for her 21st. (: i am not playing anything like Cooking Mama on my DS yet... currently, the only game i got (and what my sister bought for me) is The Littlest Petshop game. which is frankly quite retarded. lol.

last present was a 'pink pao' from germy's parents. i want to call it an angpao, but the truth is that it's more pink that red.

and finally, finally, on the 10th, germy and i went to sentosa! not many pictures because poor him was suffering from a horrible flu. but we took the Luge, me for the first time cos i never had the chance. (: my boyfriend sped ahead infront of me, because i was initially too scared to go too fast. but falling behind an infant of a speed demon was a little too much. lol.

we also went to the insect kingdom, to see the butterflies.

which scared germy cos they frantically fluttered to him when he stepped inside the conservatory. what can you do, when the dead ones are horrifying and the live ones are too alive for your liking.

he insisted on posing with the ugly giant beetles, because he thought they looked more macho. -.-

and i smiled with the pretty, albeit dead, butterflies. ((: excuse my lack of hair. it was so humid that i tied my hair up. it was either this auntie looking hairstyle or simba's mane. this was the lesser evil.

so that concludes my three day birthday celebration. (: i had a wonderful time turning 22. germy really put alot of heart and effort into it to make me happy... i love you baby!! *kiss*

and now that i completed this entry, i wonder who will read it.

guccilove.

2009-07-13T10:33:00.001+08:00

new Gucci glasses on sunday.

(: me likey.

I've been losing so much time.

2009-07-11T23:22:00.005+08:00

You and Me gets better every time.

===

all of the things that i wanna say
just aren't coming out right
i'm tripping on words
you've got my head spinning

i don't know where to go from here.

===

i may not know where i'm going after the whole overseas bonanza blows over ...

but baby, you are my direction. (:

Every sky was your own kind of blue.

2009-07-10T08:53:00.002+08:00

(:

22nd was awesome.

you lift my feet off the ground
you spin me around
you make me crazier crazier
feels like i'm falling
and i
i'm lost your eyes
you make me crazier crazier
crazier

♥

2009-07-07T00:52:00.002+08:00

picture post in a couple of days. probably post 22nd birthday celebration. big jumble of pictures. (:

in mean time, Lolita puts me in a very... how should i say it, awkward place. (i bring a book to read on public transport so i have something to do, and my book of the moment is Lolita.) i am so self conscious of my body language when i read this book that i have to literally check myself every few minutes to ensure that i don't tense up and look like a total freak on the bus/train.

i'm pretty sure my facial expressions when i read the book must betray my opinion on paedophiles.

shoelust #1

2009-06-18T11:13:00.001+08:00

Kate Spade Colin Shoes in Black.

should be around 400SGD. kill me now.

it's enough for all the world's woe

2009-06-16T22:04:00.004+08:00

my dreams have been troubling, to say the least, these past nights.

dreams are the opposite of what is reality. a peek into a parallel universe somewhere, where things would have turned out another way for you, and nothing you know today is what it is.

so, according to what i have been dreaming of these nights, a conclusion that i've been secretly questioning has been confirmed. and that's it. for once, i had to not be awake for my heart to take over, to tell me what i already know. i've made my peace with that.

i know sometimes i try too hard.

but that's just... that.

there's a certain sadness

2009-06-15T22:07:00.003+08:00

well the chinese songs i listen to are mostly sad. which, in turn, makes me sad. i can feel my spirits deflating steadily, after i decided to listen to all the chinese songs that i collected over the years in a single playlist.

i think, that underneath it all, i may just be a sad person. and i don't mean like, depressed and suicidal kind of sad, because it's nothing like that.

it's the kind of sadness that you experience from the lingering silence of a quiet telephone. from feeling your heart contract a little when it's raining and you're on a bus to nowhere. from meeting an ex several years after you broke up, and you realise that they don't even think about you from time to time anymore, but you still do. it's like realising a secret hangout of yours no longer exists, and replaced by huge retail conglomerates.

maybe melancholic would be a more accurate description.

i've always known i had a writer's soul. (and i really do believe that only writers have the tendency to over-analyse, over-scrutinise, over-fucking-feel every single emotion. to me, the only possible reason why anyone could feel intensely like that, is having so much of this... thing, for the lack of a better word, inside that it eats a person's soul from the outside in, instead of showing outward manifestations like anger and violence. the opposite of outward anger towards the world, is simply, the incredible hate towards yourself.)

Prozac Nation has been scarily accurate in certain parts. i came across a paragraph last night, so perfectly phrased and expressed that it basically summarised the thoughts that i haven't been able to pen down because they were so fleeting and random.

and we know, we know it's distance.

2009-06-14T20:42:00.002+08:00

little girl, i want to hold you
touch your hair and kiss your cheek.
whispering it'll be alright,
while my skinny jeans are stained with your tears
and streaks of your mascara tattoo my fingers,
as i brush droplets of pain from your eyes.

i know you and your own repulsiveness,
and i see how badly you want that.
because cutting wrists cannot do, and neither will prozac and booze.
you're waiting for emptiness, for void.
for numbness to overcome gnawing need.
i know.

i see the way you huddle on the floor.
on your side, your knees kissing your nose.
the floor hurts your shoulders, but you hardly care.
in your world, there is only less, and more.
more more more, as everything becomes less.

less flesh, less thighs, less stomach.
more willpower.
more bones.
more gaunt.
more love.
because your hate now breaks every reflection.

===

...

discover enlightenment holding your hand

2009-06-13T22:24:00.002+08:00

two years on, and somehow i chanced upon a cd, that i had chucked away at the bottom of one of my suitcases, once again.

it's been a while...

since there was a Swensen's beside far east plaza.
since darren hayes' So Beautiful.
since finding out who sang Iris.
since neo-print machines and Sake Sushi dinners.
since the lonely, seemingly NEVERENDING bus ride home.

bus stops are heartbreaking places on a warm July night.

and if all the world was
perfect
i would only ever want to see
your scars

it really has been a while.

since that one day, when i decided to just stop. with all the crazy madness that was driving me up the wall and tearing me to pieces.
and just like that, i did.

===

two years.
in which i had given away my heart to my boy, for about a year and a half now.

(: i love you germy.

More Than I Can Say

2009-06-13T00:18:00.002+08:00

not part of the all-through-the-year project, as this one has no picture.

swine flu outbreak in Melbourne, as all of you in sunshiny sg know, is apparently quite rampant here at the moment. hence, i have taken to staying indoors most of the time; partly because i am stuck with the likes of Mao and anti-war protests in Australia, and also because i am frankly quite terrified that i may be sent straight on my way to the chalet in Pasir Ris, should i show even a hint of flu when i touch down on the 25th.

germy and mom sent me masks from singapore, because i cannot seem to find them anywhere in Melbourne. i may look ridiculous come friday, when i will be the only one i expect, to wear a face mask to the examination hall. but whatever, at least i won't be a victim of the swine flu.

i think i read on wikipedia the other day that one of the earlier flu pandemics, the Spanish flu i think, was so severe that the number of people who died from it aproximately made up about one third of the population in Europe. and though swine flu hasn't shown signs of being that deadly or even capable of creating that kind of catastrophe, the speed and reach of the virus has caused the WHO to raise the alert status to 6. highest level since 1968. we are on the brink of a possible flu wipeout of the human race. AGAIN.

the health officials here are telling us to be calm, and go through life as per normal. but that it hard to do, especially when you see that ALL the hand sanitisers, the stupid things that you don't notice because not washing your hands does not equal death, have disappeared from the supermarkets and the pharmacies. and you know what else is not helping? a government that insists on acting like a petulant child, throwing tantrums in quarantine because the other children would not let him join in their games. and i don't blame them, really. every cautious government would do the same. in fact, i am surprised (though i am still keeping my fingers crossed) that the Singapore government isn't quarantining EVERYONE coming from melbourne, or barring entry from Melbourne onto Singapore soil.

perhaps the only thing amusing about this whole thing at the moment is the way that the Victorian government has been responding to the other Australian states' decision to keep children returning home from Melbourne at home for a week before allowing them back into their school. the one response i saw in the papers today made me laugh quite a bit.

apparenty, according to (i can't remember, it was either Brumby or some senior health official) the gov here, the reason why NSW is implementing this quarantine is because they are jealous of the success of the recent tourism campaigns for melbourne in NSW. LOL.

===

wo-oh yay yay
i love you more than i can say
i'll love you twice as much tomorrow
wo-oh
i love you more than i can say

And All I Can Breathe Is Your Life

2009-06-05T11:07:00.002+08:00

hiatus.

(still one of my favorite songs. ever.)

# 53

2009-05-26T14:09:00.002+08:00

i can't believe pop stars used to wear granny cardigans on top of their tube tops. o.O

# 52

2009-05-25T14:07:00.002+08:00

does anyone still remember them? i used to listen to this song ALL the time. no pictures today, but i figured vid would do just as well. heh.

and bestie is in melbourne! (:

# 51

2009-05-24T15:33:00.003+08:00

it's the sixteenth month today! (:

i was just listening to some old tunes that i had a particular liking for back in JC, and i found myself bopping to Ashley Simpson's Pieces of Me.

oh it seems like i can finally rest my head
on something real,
i like the way that feels.
oh it and it's as if you know me better
than i ever knew myself,
i love how you can tell.

all the pieces, pieces of me.

# 50

2009-05-23T15:28:00.000+08:00

Soda Rock Milkshakes rock.

and i am fully aware that i look like i have a severe lack of hair on one side of my head in this picture.

optical illusion, i assure you.

i sometimes wish i could straighten my hair again because then it would fall down nicely and behave. now, i play the hair lottery every morning to see if i land a good hair day.

# 49

2009-05-22T21:42:00.003+08:00

new book!

and i think this one will have me trudging through it.

===

also, i am wondering how am i ever going to save enough of my salary, when i finally do get a job, to actually get married and get a place of my own with Germy.

it seems a little too soon to think about it, but as i was talking it out with Tiff the other day, i kinda realised that there isn't much time.

(to do things like get a job, save money, HDB, ROM, lose weight... OMG.)

OMG. panic attack.

# 48

2009-05-21T12:41:00.002+08:00

totally seeing stars now. i'm choking on my readings.

if life is so short
why won't you let me love you

before we run out of time

# 47

2009-05-20T20:35:00.003+08:00

boyfriend sat on me while he looked after his restaurant in Restaurant City. i miss my only A|X wearing boyfriend and his tight tee-shirts.

oh, my study time-table is packed, btw. i will have zero social life from now till the time i finish my exams on 24/06.

and resuming my brain into its study mode, after being practically comatose for the past three years or so, is intellectually challenging in the act itself, regardless of whether i'm actually storing the information.

and apparently, because there is an industrial strike by some teacher's group that's going to be held in uni tomorrow, my Chinese Politics lecture is cancelled.

i love Melbourne.

# 46

2009-05-19T20:46:00.004+08:00

wants real SINGAPOREAN food.

not like the sad excuse of a sandwich i had for lunch because i'm dieting, and stuff that i just don't eat because it's not appetizing (like TOFURkey and SOYsages).

i've always wondered how people just eat, and not think. it is that intriguing to me.

oh, and i finally finished Love in A Time of Cholera.

some would say that Florentino Ariza is the epitome of tragically romantic faithfulness. and justly so. how else would you describe a man who waited more than fifty years for the woman he loves. plus, he actually did all these wonderful things for Fermina Daza time and again, even though she was taciturn and made it perfectly clear that she did not, and will not love him back. i, however, disagree.

in my opinion, Florentino Ariza's faithfulness towards Fermina was warped. he slept with numerous women, some who included his school-girl ward, an old widow next door.. etc.) in the years he supposedly waited for Fermina Daza. now, i don't know the world that the story was set in the context of, and even though i read the book, i only have a slightly less hazy picture of what life must have been like for the characters in the story, but faithfulness, to me, should not be tainted in any time.

not going to go into detail. and frankly, i'm having a mini debate in my head now by myself on this question of faithfulness.

# 45

2009-05-18T12:33:00.003+08:00

well.

that would have been a total waste of calories on a kinder egg.

# 44

2009-05-17T17:08:00.002+08:00

Strawberry Frogs make for delighted Carrie.

my ultra secret chocolate place isn't so ultra secret anymore. but familiar faces in my ultra secret place makes me happy. happy-er, in fact.

KoKo Black's got nothing on you. :D

# 43

2009-05-16T16:57:00.005+08:00

i have the unfinished task of putting away my laundry. usually it's due to my procrastination that little things like household chores do not get done, but this time i have an alternative explanation.

the laundry on my chair that i have yet to put away is the pile of laundry that i did with Germy while he was here. now it is going to sound a little twisted, but i just haven't felt like putting away anything, really, ever since he left.

i sleep with two pillows, two blankets. drink from 2 mugs. and the box of tissues that i bought for him and his morning sinus still sits on my bedside table.

i miss my boyfriend.

and i hate it so much that my heart breaks with every second i spend alone in my bedroom because this space, the pillow he used and the blanket that covered Germy, still smells like him.

the worst really is the morning after he left. suddenly, my room is empty, completely void of germy clutter. and as much as a neat freak i am, i hate the restored order in my bedroom now.

# 42

2009-05-15T16:49:00.002+08:00

i know i'm a little back dated, but i am currently obessed with "Pull Shapes" by The Pipettes.

and their song "Sex" isn't all that bad either.

the Repeat One function on my iPod hangs my mp3 sometimes. like it's protesting for its own right to play the other songs available in my iPod.

well screw you, tiny piece of technology. you were made to play whichever song at my disposal, even if it's for the Nth time on Repeat.

# 41

2009-05-14T16:59:00.004+08:00

people stared at me, when i walked out of the house today in my jeans and hoodie. because i look like i've just woken up in a grave. i'm so tired i can barely bring myself to even walk out of the house, despite waking up at around noon.

yeah, it's just not all that fun alone.

===

i had no idea that Aston Martin lets you customize your car to the very minute details. like who would even notice the thread colour in the interior of your car when it's a Aston Martin?! and who would say anything, even if you did make a bad colour faux pas? it's an Aston Martin. i could colour everything differently (i.e red leather seats with blue trimmings, green dashboard, and orange thread) and it would still be an Aston Martin.

with that said, however, i've been having some pretty cheap amusement on the Ferrari website. now if only that effing gorgeous Ferrari California that i customized could materialize for say... my graduation present, life would at last be perfect.

but then that's wishful thinking. because perfection and i only exist in parallel universes.

# 40

2009-05-13T08:49:00.004+08:00

):

he's gone home.

and my depression with the inevitable loneliness that comes along with saying goodbye has led me to alcohol, for the first time ever, in my nearly 22 years.

it actually worked, for about an hour or so. and then the effects of having 4 plastic cups of wine swirl around in my empty stomach reared its ugly head. i never puked so much in my entire life.

but. the weird thing was that i was still lucid. i could still carry out conversations with people and i was coherent. i knew what i was doing but O.M.G i had zero control of my limbs.

how does wine do this to people..!?

and like i told tiff this morning. i do not understand how people do this on a weekly basis.

today's yellow post-it.

2009-05-05T06:42:00.003+08:00

so my uni/melbourne days will be on hold whilst my favourite bit of Singapore is here. that's why no pictures at the moment.

germy wants to do all the touristy things that he did not get to do the last time he was in Melbourne. so yesterday we went to the Aquarium to see the penguins. hopefully we'll go up the Eureka! tower (the name of the tower does not call for an exclamation mark, but i cannot say Eureka! without it) today, and on saturday we're going to have to get up at a freakishly early hour of six a.m, to catch a tour bus at Federation Sq to the Great Ocean Road.

after that, it'll only be two and a half days before germy flies back to Singapore. and another six weeks before i get to see my boyfriend again, because this time round i have two exams and i only finish on the 25th of June. insert sad face here.

ah well.

the all year round project will resume when i get to blog about how much i miss my other half. (:

# 39

2009-04-29T20:13:00.001+08:00

this is my wallpaper now.

and germy is showing up in about six hours. ((:

me is happy, so i shall say no more.

# 38

2009-04-28T20:55:00.002+08:00

unlike me, my sister has relatively okay sized legs.

here, she is showing off her new suede boots from novo. her calves are skinny enough that there is still space left in her boots to carry a tiny toy in each. and behold, instand puppet show.

here, gossie is asking the rabbit how is her view of the world from the other leg.

# 37

2009-04-27T16:39:00.003+08:00

obviously i'm not crazy enough to wear the rainbow socks out yet. but i will be, one day. i will wear it to uni, just to show all the girls who come to school looking like they just stepped out of Vogue that i don't really give a rat's arse about the disdainful looks they give me when i show up in something a little bit more than pajamas.

they do this look-up-down-and-eyeball-roll thing. so what.., Aussies can wear zip trackies and oversized hoodies and be forgiven, but when Asians wear the same thing we get flak for it..? so unfair. tsk tsk.

whatever, you know. i like my rainbow socks. so there.

# 36

2009-04-26T16:54:00.003+08:00

over the next week, Melbourne has decided to become a refridgerator.

and since the days here have progressively gotten shorter, it's cold AND dark by the time 6pm rolls along. really makes one want to just curl up under a blanket and drink barrels of hot milo while watching a good movie.

so i'm just going to zone out the rest of the world until thursday. (:

# 35

2009-04-25T17:22:00.002+08:00

please excuse the wash basin. my bathroom has the best lighting for clear pictures. which, is rather unfortunate, when you think about it. my bedroom gives a pretty boudoir effect without any adjustment though. unclear and dark, which is always good for constructing the illusion of sexiness.

anyhow.

i am sad today. because i went out of the house expecting sunshine. which, in all fairness, i did get for about twenty minutes, before the thunderstorm clouds shifted in.

i was carrying a large bath towel, two rims of paper, an eight pack of toilet rolls, three boxes of tissue paper and a bottle of laundry liquid through the thunderstorm. and my hood was so big on my head that it covered my eyes, so i couldn't really see where i was going, when i left the QV warmth.

with my vision impaired, the wind blowing so hard i had to literally stop in my tracks because i couldn't take the next step forward without falling over, and my arms screaming out in pain because i couldn't get a plastic bag to carry the two damn rims of paper, it was the MOST miserable ten minute walk of my life.

):

# 34

2009-04-24T09:28:00.003+08:00

happy fifteenth, aweso-riffic boyfriend.

i never imagined that things would happen the way they did. and there was no warning at all for me, the day before you happened, that i would from hence forth have an itch that only you could scratch.

if i had known, i would have had some sort of celebratory activity. oh well.

# 33

2009-04-23T12:04:00.001+08:00

yes. i look like this now.

# 32

2009-04-22T14:04:00.002+08:00

blessed is the person who invented skinny jeans, for to their honour they have an addition of the world's chunky leg population achieving thin pins without the hassle of exercise.

sadly, i do belong to that population of chunky legs. i have endured the past 22 years of my life wishing that i would magically get the pins that i could wear mini skirts in and not want to puke at the sight of my own reflection, but alas. i can only stare wistfully at girls with legs that would look good in the shortest of shorts. this is why i like wearing jeans. and pants. and anything that would disguise my thighs, so that i would not look like i just robbed a rhinoceros of its limbs.

i think i've made my peace with it. it was a difficult time back in my secondary school days because the length of my skirt and the height of my socks made my short legs look even shorter. and my goodness, Thicker. (seriously, are you freaking kidding me..?!) it was horrible.

but! i found a pair of jeans today that fit amazingly, and it did not burn a gigantic orifice in my wallet, or require me to spend half my life on a Stairmaster.

insert happy face here.

# 31

2009-04-21T19:15:00.004+08:00

i just paid a ridiculous amount of money for a mug, because germy had wanted it for a long time and he just refuses to do himself a favor, so i did one for him.

thanks for being such an aweso-riffic other half Baby. (: for that, you get a mug!

# 30

2009-04-20T13:59:00.006+08:00

the good lunch yesterday in St. Kilda.

terry's seafood soup thing was yummy. and my fettucine (along with ling's and bryan's) tasted uncannily like chilli crab pasta.so, it's all good. (:

currently trudging through a sudden avalanche of backlogged work. i try so hard to not be a victim of procrastination, but the strategies i employ to avoid falling victim to said sin is even more laughable than the consequences that arise from it. so i choose to believe that there is more saving grace in just accepting that i just need to be more studious and hardworking, like most Singaporean students are.

sigh.

===

the problem about politics for me is that there are too many things to be taken into consideration.

how does one make judgement call without it being valued, and decide what is right or wrong? based on what value system, and should that system be universally applied? can it even be universally comprehended, for one thing. and if by doing so, wouldn't we be practicing ideological and "moral" imperialism, by setting the parameters for global society to function? can there actually be an even power distribution between morals and justice? some would argue that justice is just an idealistic notion that can never be acheived without one person being shortchanged, but we've been taught to believe that "eye for an eye, and tooth for a tooth" to be the most accurate definition of fairness. nobody wins, in the end.

and i can't help but think the human race is never going to move out of our partiality to patriarchy. and things would have been much eaiser before globalisation came along and messed every one of us up by exposing us to all sorts of problems in our tiny world.

Adam and Eve really shouldn't have eaten that apple from the Tree of Life in Eden. they totally screwed humanity over.

# 29

2009-04-19T08:23:00.002+08:00

photo credits to ling.

i am off to St. Kilda's market today for hand crafts.

and i find it appalling that my essays due next week are currently still residing in the back of my head. i will have a good week doing work, which is okay too, since after that, i will only have four FOur FOUR days before germy comes to Melbourne.

yay.

# 28

2009-04-18T19:43:00.002+08:00

i was bored the other day. hence the orange heart on my hand. i remember i used to draw felix's name alot during my classes when i was in lower secondary. don't judge me. it was cool.

amy winehouse totally rocked this oldie. Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow is my favorite oldie ever, because i've been listening to it since i learnt to grasp the English lexicon. my mom used to sing this all the time and pat my bro, sis and i to sleep when we were kids.

nostalgia. i recall that i used to stare out my windows alot when i was younger, dreaming of a prince who would take me away on his magic carpet to live in a giant sandcastle in the sky.

# 27

2009-04-17T10:06:00.003+08:00

i bought four pairs of shoes from Cotton On for 40bucks. (:

Ellis Lim turned 22 yesterday. so three of us, esper, lis and i went for Freddos to get our sugar fix and have awesome Chicken & Avocado pasta on Lygon. Cotton On was between dessert and dinner... and we spent quite a long time deciding which pairs of shoes to purchase.

and that's when i told lis, "seriously, i want to be forever young. i don't want to grow old. experience and being older just makes you more jaded about life."

# 26

2009-04-16T21:43:00.003+08:00

The theoretician believes in logic and believes that he despises dreams, intuition, and poetry. He does not recognise that these three fairies have only disguised themselves in order to dazzle him... He does not know that he owes his greatest discoveries to them.

- Antoine de Saint-Exupery Wartime Writings 1939-1944

# 25

2009-04-15T23:59:00.002+08:00

back from canberra and i just dragged my feet up the apartment stairs.

i am now familiar with, as they say, "rushing mountains" in NS speak. granted i did not carry a heavy rifle while trekking across grasslands and through dusty roads, but i was wearing open-toe flats that weren't very comfortable and had left me limping at the end of two days.

the prospect of having fire ants crawl in through your shoes did quite enough to distract me from any pain from my stupid shoes.

ANU is easily 6-7 times bigger than UoM. and i thank God i did not make the decision to go there three years ago, because after the short visit to Canberra, i now know i would have wanted to kill myself from boredom if i was an ANU student.

oh, and Tiger Airways made us wait about three hours to and fro. our actual flight duration was 50 mins to and fro.

so we literally waited a longer period of time to get on the plane, than being ON it.

# 24

2009-04-14T07:57:00.003+08:00

i seriously don't know what esper and i were doing in this picture.

and i am flying off to Canberra today. with her.

Canberra red meat anyone? plenty of steak and mutton to go around.

adios.

# 23

2009-04-13T20:27:00.002+08:00

i ran 3km to catch the 6.07 back to Melbourne tonight, or face the prospect of spending a night in Ballarat (which, to me was a location so obscure that i have not the slightest idea if it was still in Melbourne).

when we finally got on the train, and we did make it JUST IN TIME, my heart was ready to jump out of it's place and onto the carpeted floor. i seriously need to exercise.

good trip. haha. good trip.

# 22

2009-04-12T20:19:00.002+08:00

it is a shame that "free love" became "free sex and drugs for all y'all" during the hippie movement.

because that could have really changed something in the fabric of world history.

but that, i suppose, is humanity. we are particularly partial to the things that would send us straight to hell, and are irrationally frightened by the prospect of giving even a small piece of our hearts away.

such that even the simple message of caring for your fellow men, regardless of colour, religion and gender, has to be obscured by a blanket of sex and drug use.

yes, i do believe that this is so. we cover the notion of Love with whatever else is easier for us to swallow, because essentially, we fear what does happen to us, and our souls if we do let ourselves love.

"Vanities. All are vanities."

# 21

2009-04-11T22:11:00.003+08:00

dying You destroyed our death.
rising You restored our life.

Lord Jesus come in glory.

the Lord is risen. (: Rejoice.

# 20

2009-04-10T17:24:00.003+08:00

see. you are on my mind no matter what i do.

and don't you forget that.

===

it's Good Friday today.

i wore a combination of dark blue, dark grey and black for the Celebration of the Lord's Passion. which i liken to be something like a funeral, hence the dark colours, when i was deciding what to wear.

were you there, when they crucified my Lord.
sometimes it makes me tremble, tremble, tremble.

were you there when they crucified my Lord.

# 19

2009-04-09T09:16:00.002+08:00

yes. only 21 more days till germy arrives..! (:

three more weekends, three three three!

===

and facebook just notified me that one of my ex-boyfriends is currently walking around in jean capris. and a fedora.

insert weirded-out expression here.

i've always thought that the guys i choose are about are normal as they come. but hey, what do i know. stranger things have happened.

# 18

2009-04-08T06:46:00.004+08:00

shoutout to michelle..! both here and on facebook. (: germy tell her okay.. not sure if she'll see this.

i look just a little disheveled, hence the post it on my forehead. i woke up not too long ago to do an essay that's due in two and a half hours. uni life is so fan-freaking-tastic that my eye circles are screaming lack of sleep for the world to see.

my skin is better though. cos' although i suffer from dehydration and still injecting caffeine into my system up to my eyeballs daily, i have fallen into the routine of cleansing, toning and moisturising my face, a routine i should have religiously practiced since i wore my first beedees bra.

and also because now i just solely run on love, to make up for loss of more pillow time due to staying awake so that i'll be able to listen to germy's voice and to keep me from falling asleep in the middle of the road.

# 17

2009-04-07T12:37:00.003+08:00

He recognised her despite the uproar, through his tears of unrepeatable sorrow at dying without her, and he looked at her for the last and final time with eyes more luminous, more grief-stricken, more grateful than she had ever seen them in half a century of a shared life, and he managed to say to her with his life breath:

'Only God knows how much i loved you.'

- Gabriel Garcia Marquez Love in the Time of Cholera

the duck's just there for fun.

# 16

2009-04-06T15:15:00.003+08:00

i repainted my nails. in a colour christened Exotica by Rimmel. which is basically just dark red with golden flecks. i suck at painting on nail polish cos i colour out of lines... makes me wonder how i ever managed to colour within the lines in my old colouring books when i was younger.

anyway.

i was at Borders today and i picked up Sleeping Beauty by Anne Rice. it was a pretty book, with plain purple cover and the text in black Times New Roman. i thought it would be an interesting grown up version of the popular fairytale you know, like how Finding Neverland was for Peter Pan. i did not, for a moment think that it would be anything offensive because Sleeping Beauty is just a wonderful tale which depicts the beauty of being "asleep" to the world until love opens your eyes for the very first time from what feels like eternal sleep.

so i was shocked, and frankly quite sickened at how this author could turn a beautiful children's tale of finding true love, into a freak porno story ladened with wagonfuls of sado-masochism with a dash of bondage thrown in for fun. i can't even begin to describe the anger that i felt... is NOTHING not infiltrated by sex and porn these days...?!

what shocked me most was that this book was written by a woman. now i can't say i'm the most radical, hard hitting feminist i know, but i honestly don't see how any female can identify and reconcile herself with her femininity, and not be thoroughly offended by such literature. it's one thing if the book was hidden in a corner of an adult bookshop or sex toy boutique... but to be in shelves where young children could easily reach, is really out of line.

what has humanity morphed into.

# 15

2009-04-05T11:40:00.006+08:00

'sup..?

it is grey hoodie day for me today. and also, Palm Sunday.

i cannot decide if i am excited about the oncoming easter break, or no..? because i am spending a night in Canberra, but also have assignments to submit after the holidays.

i wonder what would Antoine de Saint-Exupery have to say for my current state of emotional restless-ness, given that he has, in the past, conjured up pieces of literary jewels on life and its little things that make us human.

===

oh who am i that for me,
my Lord should take frail flesh and die?

# 14

2009-04-04T23:29:00.003+08:00

yes, i cheated. i was carried away by this book last night. i know there's a movie of this book, and it came out ages ago, but i've always been a firm believer in the literary version of things. how many times in the history of the world has a book been made into a movie, and have the moving pictures surpass the quality of the original storyline? answer; none.

also, i was distracted by a certain pair of jeans on an american website, and was in too deep a contemplation to whether or not, once again render a critical hit on my visa and surrender to the call of retail therapy. i hastily made a quick online conversion of the price tag, proceeded to feel uncomfortably sick at the sight of the resulting price in AUD, and closed that window with a heavy heart.

i hate the economic crisis.

# 13

2009-04-03T21:30:00.003+08:00

spent the day at home today, hence the self shots. heh.

i watched Funny Face the other day and fell in love with Audrey Hepburn's wedding dress in the show. i want mine to be something like hers, with a bit of changes, so that it'll represent me, and not her. so today, i downloaded a couple of fashion model templates to draw on, so that i can make my thoughts into pictures.

and then, well, one thing led to another and now i have twelve wedding dress designs. not all for me of course, i was imagining various types of girls and what would their wedding dress be like, to suit their personality.

yes, i do know it's a little early to be thinking of wedding dresses. but a girl can dream.

and also because i've been fantasizing about my own wedding day ever since i got Ken to marry Barbie in 1993.

# 12

2009-04-02T21:01:00.002+08:00

i wore the top that germy bought for me today. (:

i remember that i had my eye on it for weeks, but refrained from doing anything else other than look at it in the shop window because i was frankly quite scared of the possible price tag. so one night after dinner, while germy and i were walking off our food, i decided to step into the shop to find it, cos it wasn't in the shop window anymore, and the shop was having a sale. (it was a glimmer of hope, i had to try.)

we found it in one of the sale racks, 30% off, but still pricey for a top. after i tried it on, however, germy took it to the cashier and paid for it without even blinking. (this type of behaviour from my guy is quite impressive. before he buys stuff for himself he considers the pros and cons very carefully. he's not an implusive shopper like i am.) it was... unbelievably sweet, for me. well, i know its not much when you put him next to the boyfriends who buy weird stuff for their girlfriends like, all the time. it's just an us thing between him and i. and i just found it... you know, yay.

who says my boyfriend isn't romantic. lol.

# 11

2009-04-01T12:43:00.007+08:00

there is a heatwave making its way through melbourne. hence, the light top and havianas.

and. i made a complete fool of myself in mass media in indonesia today.

apparently, i got the article i was supposed to be presenting wrong. the air conditioning is that room was so cold that couldn't stop shaking. which btw, i found out is not helpful to how my mind does this lovely thing of going totally blank, after someone says something in response to my question. there. are. no. words.

i was trying very hard to think of something, anything, basically to form a sentence. but suddenly that all seems too much to do. i write 3000 word essays all the time for goodness sake, i have no trouble forming sentences.

i am not surprised if my tutor thinks i'm a moron now btw. fantastic. the only thing worse than being thought dumb because you keep quiet, is being thought dumb even after you talk.

i am really more coherent than i seem to be today, on any other day.

===

sweet song based on the mario kart game. strangely emo, and beautiful at the same time.

You be my princess
I'll be your toad
I'll follow behind you
on rainbow road
Protect you from red shells
wherever we go
I promise.

Noone will touch us
if we pick up a star
If you spin out
you can ride in my car
When we slide together
we generate sparks
in our wheels and our hearts

The finish line
is just around the bend
I'll pause this game
so our love will never end
Let's go again

===

100 Great Books - What Have You Read?
BBC believes the majority of people will have only read 6 of the 100 books here. Copy this list and put an X next to the ones you have read.

I put the number of Xes corresponding to the number of times i've read the book.

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen xxx
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte x
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling xx
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee x
6 The Bible x
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte x
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens x
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott xxxxx
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger x
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell x
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald x
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll x
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame x
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis xx
34 Emma - Jane Austen x
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen x
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis xx
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden xxxxx
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell x
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown xxxx
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding xx
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan x
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel x
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen x
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon x
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens x
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov x
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding x
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens x
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker x
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett xx
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce x
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens xxxx
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro xx
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White xx
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom xxx
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle x
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton xxx
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery xxx
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare x
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl x
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo x

40/100. FAIL.

# 10

2009-03-31T15:45:00.003+08:00

someone threw someone else's shoes tied together on to a telephone wire.

i've always wondered how do people walk go home after that. barefoot? it must have been very uncomfortable for the person, because melbourne sidewalks are littered with tiny pieces of broken beer bottle glass.

i do believe that karma will bite the person who threw the shoes back in the ass, twice as hard.

because that is the way the world works.

# 9

2009-03-30T14:44:00.004+08:00

the last picture of us before i had to fly here five weeks ago.

already i'm so lonesome
i could die.

when i just started schooling in primary school i had to walk around for a couple of years in 'corrective' shoes. so while other kids wore white canvas Bata shoes like any normal person, i was stuck with a pair that vaguely looks like what is actually in fashion these days.

they were off-white leather, slight wedge (which was actually a weight to 'pull' my feet to the ground, thus preventing me from walking like a duck), with laces that came all the way up to my ankles. i know it doesn't sound so bad, but to a seven year old in a primary school where ALL the singaporean kids look the same, the shoes were hideous, and i felt like a freak, in the truest sense of the word.

i resented these shoes. really really hated them, but i had no choice. i was born what i believe people call 'bow legged' or something like that. meaning that my legs actually made an inverted Y when i put them together. my first boyfriend actually made commented that my knees do not seem to align correctly, when he had to massage my legs after i wanted to die while walking around orchard road in my wedges a couple of years ago.

anyway. the reason why i hated these shoes was not because they were hideous, even though any vain little girl who liked everything pretty would hate the shoes because they were so. i hated these shoes with fervent passion because they made me stand out too much. they made teachers 'single' me out in class, to loudly announce to my entire class that everyone should be EXTRA careful with me because i had a 'condition'.

while all the other kids wanted to stand out, and raise their hands whenever the tecaher asked a question, i wanted to crawl into a shell, or dig a hole that i could disappear into, so that i would be hidden from everyone else. i wanted so badly to just fit in (because the other kids wouldn't ask me to play Catching or anything. since they were afraid that i would break my bow legs or something). but i didn't. at all. which was really depressing because i wanted friends, and to be seen as equal.

and even though today i walk, run, dance, and jump absolutely fine, and you can't really tell that i've ever been bow legged, i've kept the habit of keeping to myself in class. i don't like to talk, or be extremely aggressive (even though sometimes i am, with my beliefs) because i cannot stand having every one's eyes on me.

# 8

2009-03-29T08:14:00.003+08:00

brunch yesterday. rocket leaves do seem to feature prominently in our dishes. terry's pizza was surprisingly good. i couldn't decide if my eggs villagio were overcooked or under. and esper's veggie breakfast had too hard toast. but then again, so did mine.

the weather is acting really strange these days. it is chilly in the mornings but uncomfortably warm in the afternoons when all of us are already bundled up in fleece and knits. then you see people walking around in shorts and tank tops while you're in your thickest jeans and puffy jacket.

oh, and i got hit in the head by a flying soccer ball on friday on the way home from school. it was the perfect end to a already depressing week. i was walking across the uni quad when this asian guy launched a soccer ball right at me, and the ball promptly went straight for my head.

i feel a pimple growing on my nose today.

# 7

2009-03-28T16:24:00.004+08:00

one from the barrage of pictures i took in my blue shirt the other day. was having an ultra rare (and by rare, i mean "almost-extinct-like-the-white-tiger" rare) good face+hair day.

ah. and i got a cheap pair of boots from valleygirl today. i have to take my chances and wear all my boots this fall+winter+spring. because in singapore, boots have a trampy connotation.

i will miss my boot wearing days.

===

I missed the first train, stood out in the rain all day
little did I know,
When I caught the next train, there you were to sweep me away
guess thats what I waited for

never believed that things happen for a reason
But how this turned out, removed all my doubts so believe
that for you I'd do it all over again
do it all over again

all I went through, led me to you
so I'd do it all over again

i miss my germy.

this half of the heart needs her other half.

# 6

2009-03-27T00:25:00.000+08:00

i shall remain optimistic about how i will fare, though my happy colourful wall is screaming that i will eventually be under so much work that i will have to start camping out in the school library.

# 5

2009-03-26T14:20:00.004+08:00

ferris wheel from Royal Melbourne Show quite some time ago.

i think that my spiritual well-being moves in circles. there are the highs, and then there are lows. the highs always seem to be over all too quickly, when i'm enjoying the view from way up there, a little closer to heaven, and to God. and the lows last too long, while i anticipate the next high that i will come to, and the urgency of my process in getting there.

i am in one of those lows now. like i've tried explaining to germy today, the exhaustion that i feel is not the physical pain (though some times i do get quite tired from work and all). it is the lack of energy in my soul. and while praying helps me connect with God just a bit more, i still find that i lack something.

something that i have only ever found in being in the actual presence of God during Mass. hence my daily trips to Mass in the city these days.

after just half an hour in church, i have more strength to see me through the day. because for some reason, it is already draining just being in melbourne, this semester.

# 4

2009-03-25T13:17:00.002+08:00

vandal-wisdom. the most interesting kind. (:

i am officially dying under work now. on top of the readings that i am still struggling to finish every week, i just realised that i will have five essays due after easter. that's four essays after the holidays, and another one week after the break ends. insane. and this is not yet factoring in the studying i will have to do for my two exams at the end of this term.

i feel a headache coming on.

# 3

2009-03-24T08:20:00.002+08:00

it is germy and i's 14th month today. (: i love you, and looking forward to many many more months to come.

and my hair looks strange in this picture.

# 2

2009-03-23T09:55:00.005+08:00

outfit today was... green. (:

the white bit was my scarf, knitted for me by my mom while she spent a holiday here in melbourne last year. it's my favourite scarf of all and i have quite a few, because it goes with anything and so soft and cuddly (the feel of it is truly amazing, like touching clouds).

mostly, however, it's my favourite because whenever i wear it, it feels like my mom is a little closer to me, even though she's far away back home right now.

my sister and i webcam-ed home last night. after that we became more emoZ, because now we're sure we really want to go home.

===

Grown ups like numbers. When you tell them about a new friend, they never ask questions about what really matters. They never ask, "What does his voice sound like?" "What games does he like best?" "Does he collect butterflies?" They ask: "How old is he?" "how many brothers does he have?" "How much does he weigh?" "How much money does his father make?" Only then do they think they know him.

- Antoine De Saint-Exupery The Little Prince

# 1

2009-03-22T08:01:00.003+08:00

i took apart the chain bracelet that these charms initially belonged to, because i didn't like how my wrist got so tired from carrying all the charms (plus faux pearls) after a while.

so now i wear them as pendants. (:

The All Through the Year Project

2009-03-22T07:48:00.002+08:00

I shall start putting one picture up per day for the next 365 days. (:

2009-03-20T18:10:00.002+08:00

i want to watch this oldie.

apparently, it's about a painter who hates his job and secretly wants to open a high profile disco club but has no inspiration to do so. enter the Muses, Olivia Newton-John being one of them, who steps out of the painter's paintings and inspires him to quit his boring painter job and join a business venture with his old boss. along the way, the ex-painter-going-to-become-disco-owner falls in love with his Muse and she with him. they take the whole thing up to Zeus, King of the Greek gods, cos' Muses aren't supposed to fall in love with mortals. but of course in the end Zeus sees how the ex-painter-going-to-become-disco-owner and his muse truly love each other, so he lets them be together. so the muse reappears again in the newly opened Xanadu disco club.

altogether now.., WHAT..?!

2009-03-20T15:06:00.002+08:00

maybe it's the time of the month approaching, but lately i am just a little blue.

there is simply too much work. and it's been a while since anyone asked me how i've been (save for the cashiers here, but you don't expect me to tell them anything serious). now i know i've taken to being alone most of the time here, partly because i choose to, and therefore this kinda strips me of my right to whine that i am lonely. but yes, i guess i kinda am.

overwhelmingly so, actually.

2009-03-20T14:42:00.000+08:00

it does get lonely here sometimes.

2009-03-19T19:08:00.002+08:00

nursing a humongous headache tonight.

and...

now is it just me, or does cantonese really make cartoons seem funnier. i have frankly never imagined the animals, ariel or aladdin and jasmine speaking in cantonese. i know, i know.. cheap thrills. but still. ROFL, and i don't know why.

it hurts to laugh now.

2009-03-10T21:48:00.003+08:00

and ling just posted up pictures from my baptism day. (:

well, no pics of the actual baptism because everyone was so serious that abbie was frankly quite scared to suddenly whip out a camera and start snapping away.

i brought my baptismal gown home with me, btw.

i love this pics of two sets of sisters. (:

2009-03-10T20:51:00.002+08:00

the sun is in the east,
rising for the beasts
and the beauties

if only I could tear it down,
plant it in the ground to warm your face

I built myself a castle on the beach
watching as it slid into the sea

the world carries on without you
but nothing remains the same
I’ll be lost without you
until the last of days

until the last of days.

===

yes, i have been listening to A Fine Frenzy a lot more these days.

its emo-ness is not nauseatingly overwhelming, like some songs i can think of (i.e Deathcab for Cutie), thankfully. somehow the songs remind me of germy, back in sunshiny singapore while i'm in erratic melbourne, missing him till my bones ache.

i attempted a session of pilates yesterday, in a bid to help the ache ease. and instead i ended up walking like a duck today, because i cannot lift my legs without wanting to kill myself. t-shirt changing has also become a huge feat for me today. i cannot lift my arms above my head without wincing.

i was just telling tiff the other day on our way home from school that i do not like how my happiness depends on whether germy is around me, and on his moods. it does not mean that i am not happy without germy by my side, because i am. i am really happy, even when i'm alone. it's just this thing, at the back of my head that would not shut off no matter what i do, reminding me that while i AM happy, i could be happier, with germy around. (the three hour difference sucks, btw. germy could just be waking up and i'm alrdy up and about for about two hours and in class for 9am lecture. i am eating dinner when it is merely the after lunch period for him in the office. he's eating dinner and i am getting ready to go to sleep. etc etc.)

but he makes everything... better (for the lack of a better word to describe what it is that i feel, whenever my other half is around).

though to say that i was miserable before germy came along is grossly erroneous, i guess i was significantly more morbid and broody when left alone. which wasn't exactly healthy, espeically when you consider that i was by myself here for an entire semester. this period was also when the emoZ songs in my ipod got loaded in.

and...

i've got one very difficult tutor for one of my subjects this semester. not only has she shown that she is anal and not flexible at ALL today during tute, she also speaks with such a heavy accent that i cannot understand her. it is worse, because she is Asian. how can i not even understand a fellow Asian's english..?! (as such you could probably imagine just how BAD it was).

i feel sorry for all the Aussies in my tute. they had blank stares in class the whole time today, because i seriously doubt they even thought the tutor spoke english. it would be interesting, to say the least, to see how the tutes with her as a tutor fare this time round for this subject.

2009-03-07T07:37:00.000+08:00

i miss my mommy already.

2009-03-05T19:33:00.002+08:00

i am in melbourne, and freezing.

the whole autumn thing is bollocks, because we've just skipped autumn and launched ourselves headfirst into winter.

my apartment's going to be just a little bit colder tomorrow after my mom and brother go home.

but it's all good. the thing is this term i have mountains, and i do literally mean MOUNTAINS, of readings to do every day. and that will keep me distracted enough from counting down days and minutes before germy shows up at my door.

i do believe that becoming a political science major has hence eradicated my previous ability to compose lengthy pieces of creative prose and poetry. somehow or rather, i can no longer let my mind wander off that far into daydreams, because i have too many things on my mind.

i am not looking forward to having to earn my own keep, what with the dismal state of the economy now. and as dumb as it sounds, i want to remain a child just a while longer before having my arse forcefully hauled and kicked out onto the curb, along with millions of other youngsters.

boring's becoming such a constant.

2009-03-01T11:34:00.001+08:00

When I’m finally without you
Can’t figure out what'll be left of me

Melbourne tonight. (:

it feels a little surreal that in less than 24 hours, i will be functioning in a different time zone.

and i still didn't get to eat my holland village laksa.

2009-02-26T10:20:00.002+08:00

Melbourne in four days.

it's amazing how the entire summer went past in a flurry of hot lazy afternoons and balmy nights. i had not wanted my last two summers to end, because it meant that i had to head back to months of take-outs, and attacks of solitude.

this time, however, i am actually looking forward to heading back to school. it is the last year of uni, and after the next semester, i will be coming home for good.

finally.

so the faster i go, the faster i will come back.

and it doesn't hurt that germy has made other arrangements again to spend time with me in Melbourne. (: so April hurry along...!

and on a totally different note.

i know that it is useless to try to defend yourself for some thing you have done for someone (out of nothing but love), when to other parties it may seem to have been done out of nosiness. accompanied, of course, with lack of thought and consideration for the feelings of those involved.

it is useless, so i let it go. but that doesn't mean it does not just sting a little. "it" being doubt for my course of action by the people i meant to help.

God knows i did what i did out of love.

i have zero sympathy for two-timing jerks. you want to play, you better damn well know how to manage. or acquire "skillz of evashunz", as according to germy. because i've been there, done that, i cannot sit aside and watch a loved one go through the same thing.

because it freaking hurts when you're the last one to know.

and my friends deserve so much more than a mere cheap imitation of love.

2009-02-24T09:42:00.003+08:00

youth is a very good friend of self destruction.

though... maturity does not always correspond to physical age.

2009-02-20T22:05:00.002+08:00

"Lord You have called Alexis to this cleansing water that she may share in the faih of Your Church and have eternal life. By mystery of this consecrated water, lead her to a new and spiritual life. We ask this through Christ our Lord."

"Alexis, you have become a new creation and clothed yourself in Christ. Receive this baptismal garment and bring it unstained to the judgement seat of our Lord Jesus Christ, so that you may have everlasting life."

(:

i've always thought Jesus would taste more biscuit than wafer.

finallllyyyyyy. *jumps around in happiness*

2009-02-18T23:34:00.002+08:00

high on a burning Faith.

2009-02-16T22:15:00.002+08:00

i am vegetarian 'til Friday.

and then after that, i will be vegetarian every Friday for the rest of my life.

and gladly so too. ((:

God is indeed awesome.

2009-02-14T22:28:00.002+08:00

this is what happens when your boyfriend was trained as a firefighter:

and of course, i was obviously having a ball of a time here, while my poor boyfriend tries to cope with me bouncing on his back. lol.

Valentine's was so good. heehee.

happy. ((((((:

how do i love her - steven curtis chapman

2009-02-13T10:48:00.002+08:00

youtube videos have gone downhill. i couldn't find this one without the extra stuff in it. one of the sweetest songs i've ever heard, that's for sure, though. enjoy!

well you know it's not the first time
and it will not be the last
when You find me here on my knees
praying for the storm to pass

but what i am really needing
is much more than just relief
i am crying out for wisdom
only You can give to me
'cause it's such a mystery
i'm a clueless man when it comes
to knowing how to love a woman

how do i love her
how do i let her know she means
more than anything to me
how do i love her

out of all the gifts You've given
besides the very gift of life
there is none as precious to me
as the treasure of my wife

and still all the love in my heart
is like a raindrop to the sea
when compared to Your love for her
and that's why I'm asking please
will You teach me what she needs
i'm an earnest man when it comes
to learning how to love this woman

how do i love her
how do i let her know she means
more than anything to me
how do i love her

well i know it's gonna take a lifetime
to answer this prayer i pray
but that okay

'cause i've given You and
her my lifetime anyway

how do i love her
how do i let her know she means
more than anything to me
how do i love her

how do i love her, love her
tell me please
how do i love her
how do i love her
won't You tell me, tell me please
how do i love her
tell me please
tell me, tell me, tell me
how do i love her
how do i love her

2009-02-12T23:30:00.000+08:00

(:

when we're old, i hope germy and i will be like this too.

2009-02-10T10:01:00.002+08:00

excuse the pictures in the video. i couldn't find one with shawn colvin only, and without it being fuzzy and all.

and i never saw blue like that before
across the sky
around the world

you've given me all you had and more
and no one else has ever shown me how
to see the world the way i see it now,

oh i,
i never saw blue like that
i never saw blue like that

before.

i had an early valentine's day out with germy yesterday. we were early cos' both of us are non-believers of the whole valentine's day bonanza.

happy. (: germy bought me F.R.I.E.N.D.S season ten (because i lent it to a friend and never got it back again) as my valentine's gift. i opened it and squealed because he remembered my "ooooh." when we walked past some dvd shop in marina square a couple of weeks back.

i made a glass paper weight for him. because my ultra uber cool boyfriend likes sleek things. which are pretty much things made out of glass and polished steel... or like, i don't know, way too much hair gel. i've always thought that sleek would = greasy. not a fan of the minimalist look of houses either, that sleek upper class yuppies seem to favour when it comes to house decor. too cold, too sparse, too... freaking empty. it's like there's no one living in it. i need sufficient clutter. not excessive clutter like those in Clean House. but sufficient so that there are traces of me in the house. then again, upper class yuppies probably have all of like, five sets of shirts and pants from Hermes and a pair of Gucci shoes. i wouldn't be surprised. clutter is distasteful. tut tut. says the people who probably spent thousands of dollars doing up their kitchen and only ever used it once in their entire yuppie lifetime (i never understood this either).

maybe the newborn yuppie children come straight out of their mother's wombs in heels or like ties. they will stand up right after the doctor cuts their umbilical cord and point at their screaming mother, saying "you've got blood on me, mother!"

anyway.

i have digressed too much. so i will stop.

feb 14 for us will be at my place. eating a dinner cooked by yours truly. (: i think we'll snuggle up on the couch and watch dvds. lol.

perfect.

2009-02-03T01:20:00.003+08:00

this is germy's present for valentine's this year.

i know i am early. i had a brainstorm today and i just finished it, because i cannot have the idea of it hanging at the back of my head for the next two weeks.

i think i did a pretty good job, with the present and the wrapping.

ever since i saw the way Tiffany&Co. wrapped my necklace, i have memorised the way a "traditional" present bow should be tied. if you flip it to the back, there is no sign of a "twist" (which contributes to the present's inability to lie properly on a flat surface), because it is hidden underneath the bow. (:

i am so excited because i finally got to test my bow-tying skills panned out.

not too shabby.. ((:

2009-02-02T22:31:00.002+08:00

milk tea and lemon tea mixed together tastes like... well, not anything pleasant, that's for sure.

yet another example of how sometimes, two different things that are completely fine on their own become disastrous when you pair them up.

it is the same with people.

2009-02-01T13:18:00.002+08:00

if melbourne continues to cook itself, i am in serious trouble when i go back.

for one thing, i will have absolutely NO clothes to wear in such scathing weather, considering that my wardrobe comprises of mostly jeans and knit tops. very bad.

yeah, i know i haven't been updating much lately. there isn't much to say, about anything any more really. i just want to be happy, this remaining month before i go back to melbourne.

i really have to post more pictures. my blog is looking skinny from the lack of photos.

2009-01-31T12:04:00.000+08:00

woot! lol.

so we love love love CHOO-NIGH!

2009-01-28T09:59:00.001+08:00

need to revamp my ipod playlist.

sis says i am actually a very emo person, because almost all the songs in my ipod are sad songs.

needs le happy songs.

):

okay, erase sad face.